What is the eternal student? Well quite literally it is one who
studies forever. You might say that everyone is in fact an eternal
student. But I am referring to that type of person who is a permanent
resident in a university. The perks of staying in college are
numerous-- namely you don't have to pay for your life. Some of the
lucky are able to con parents into paying for their stay at institutes
of higher education, but one can occasionally trick the government and
other scholarship organizations into paying. There are several types of
eternal students ranging from the truly dedicated to the wild partier. Most
often when one refers to an eternal student the automatic assumption is
that of the Truly Dedicated Eternal Student. This is often a student
who has chosen random and rather bizarre course work. You most often
find these students among Classical Studies or History students. The
reason is simple. No one cares about those majors except the people in
them. Who really needs to major in Sanskrit anymore? It's a five
thousand year old dead language. So students of these types of majors
can always find something old to study and claim the need to study that
fully before they move into "the real world". These students can
always find something else to study because the stuff has been around
so darn long. Since no one cares about these studies anymore these
students are free to hide is the sunlight-deprived coroners of dusty
libraries and remain free from responsibility. The major difficulty in
being a truly Dedicated Eternal Student is to lie convincingly enough
so that the parents, friends, the university, and financial supporters
all believe that the student needs to remain ensconced in their studies. The
Multiple Degrees Eternal Student is a nefarious schemer. This student
is the only eternal student to ever actually earn a degree. And not
only do they earn one degree, but they earn several. The primary goal
of this type of student is to have more letters after their name than
in their name. They will earn a BA and a BS and an MA, MS, MPH, JD,
MBA, MD, PhD, DrPH, and on and on and on. In some ways this Eternal
Student is the most talented and most conniving of all Eternal Students. Not
only must they posses the intelligence and talent for earning these
many degrees but they must convince others that they actually need
these degrees. The danger, however, in being a Multiple Degrees eternal
student is that, unlike other eternal students, these individuals have
actually completed acceptable levels of education. At some point their
financial support will revolt due to the immense financial burden these
multiple degrees impose and the student is generally told to go ahead
and utilize their degrees. The best counterattack to this type of
difficulty is to be educated out of any possible job and so, after a
brief interval, return to higher education. Another study bound
eternal student is the Cutting Edge Eternal Student. These students
study material on the cutting edge of technology. Often the world
assumes these are the students who are first to venture from the
confines of college life. In this the world is sorely mistaken. Most
major advances in technology are made by doddering old men and women
who made the mistake of leaving college and have been trying to keep up
ever since. True there are your Walt Disney’s and Bill Gate, the rare
examples of young people achieving great technological successes. But
those individuals are few and far between. The Cutting Edge Eternal
Student insists on learning the latest new technology before entering
the workforce, so as to be “well prepared”. Cleverly enough, by the
time they finish learning the last skill there will be new material to
be studied. The only problem with study bound eternal students is
that they almost always have enough or more than enough credits to
complete their degree. Parents or government officials who notice this
often require the said student to graduate, putting an end to their
free ride. The Multiple Minors Eternal Student manages to dodge these
questions of graduation by never achieving enough credits to qualify as
a major in any given subject. These students cleverly craft their
schedules so as to always be without the correct requirements at the
appropriate time to have continuous course study. Because of
these "scheduling mistakes" the students must then take alternate
classes where they "discover" new interests and the same scheduling
problem arises. The most common excuse from such students is that they
are using college to "expand their horizons". Despite appearing to have
a lack of foresight these students are very conscientious of timing in
courses. The only difficulty with The Multiple Minor Eternal Student is
that after a period of fifteen or so years lines of study become
restricted. So these students can most often be found petitioning for
new majors and can be thanked for many of the more curious majors found
in colleges today. The Lack of Core Eternal Student is another
student who fails to meet the prerequisites of graduation. These
students do, however, study all the course work required of their
major(s). These students refrain from graduating by failing to meet
certain prerequisites of the core curriculum. They are different from
The Multiple Minors Eternal Student is that their goal is to receive
all credits BUT the core course whereas The Multiple Minor Eternal
Student's goal is to meet ONLY the core course requirements. Obviously
The Lack of Core Eternal Student can only be found at schools with a
core curriculum, preferably an extensive one. The difficulty with this
method of study is that the student must work hard in their major to
counter the effects of their "failed" core courses in order to not be
kicked out of the school. These students are most easily found
supporting the need for a "liberal arts education"; also know as a
ridiculously extensive and hardly useful core class requirement. The
Eternal Transfer Student also manages their education so as to avoid
gaining any real credit form a given school. Often these students take
a "leave of absence" to "explore" other schools. In that way they fool
the schools that they attend into not giving them credit while still
remaining in the college lifestyle. The Eternal Transfer Student must
be very astute like The Multiple Minors Eternal Student and plan the
course and schools they attend. If they are very good they can
successfully fail to obtain a degree from dozens of universities. The
key to this failure is choosing courses at a given school that do not
transfer to another as anything more than elective credit. A subset of
the Eternal Transfer Student is the Eternal Study Abroad Student, who
is merely a transfer student of foreign universities. This specialized
Eternal Transfer Student is slightly more difficult to maintain, due to
the immense expense of foreign travel. Another common pitfall of the
Study Abroad Student is to unwisely fall in love with a foreign city or
person and to permanently move abroad, therefore putting to end their
“studies”. The last and most infamous Eternal Student is simply
called The Eternal Party Animal. The name speaks for itself. These
students are the students who always manage to miss class because they
are sleeping off a hangover. These students require very gullible
PARENTS. The government cannot be conned into supporting The Party
Animal's habits for long. The most common fault among The Party Animal
Students is carelessness. They are so busy partying they fail to pass
enough classes to remain in school. Therefore a smart Party Animal will
only attend a school that is easy and abundant with fraternities and
sororities. Schools that provide that atmosphere are more likely to be
lenient towards The Party Animal and let him or her thrive. The Greek
System is also very supportive of the Party Animal in providing instant
friends, abundant booze, and term papers. A warning to those
considering The Party Animal life: most former Party Animals die of
depression, cirrhosis, or venereal diseases. The privilege of
Eternal Studentdom is not to be taken lightly. At no other point in
your life is it a) acceptable that you not know what you are doing b)
normal for people to give you excessive amounts of money and c)
expected that you will do dumb things. If you doubt what I say is true
just look at all the adults trying to go back to college- it can't be
done. Sarah
Boutwell received her undergraduate in Biology from the University of
Chicago and is currently pursuing a Master's of Science of Public
Health. Sarah is also employed as a Healthcare Policy Analyst in
Alabama where she resides with her family. Sarah is an author on Writing.Com (www.Writing.Com/). Her work can be found at GoCartCherub
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